My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
