I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
