that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
