My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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