My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
