dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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