at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
