i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
