Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize