Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
