It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
