Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
