i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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