had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize