It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
