I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
