I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
