alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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