He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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