Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
