She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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