Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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