By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
