Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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