well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I could fuck to npr.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
