i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
