Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
