god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize