very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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