the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
