This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
