saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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