ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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