Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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