good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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