There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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