Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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