Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
