i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
