Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
