Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
