The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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