im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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