i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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