i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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