just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
