Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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