Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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