I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
