Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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