I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
