By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
