Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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