seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
